Our Top 5 ‘Secrets’ For A Lasting Marriage Relationship

The Hunk and I celebrate 30 years of marriage today—since 5th February 1983. We have had our share of trials and yet we both agree that our love and appreciation for each other has grown throughout the years.

Longevity in any relationship is difficult to find these days, let alone maintaining closeness in marriage.

Today I would like to share some of the things that have contributed to our ability to, not only stay together (by God’s grace), but also to have fun throughout the journey.

Our ‘Secrets’ for a Lasting Relationship

1. Celebrate the Differences

It has been said that opposites attract. That may be true to begin with, but over the long haul, differences can cause frustration.

  • My husband is an extrovert, I am an introvert
  • He is unstructured and spontaneous, I thrive on being organised
  • He is relational, I am task-oriented

You get the picture.

One day, 10 years into our marriage, some mentors whose family life we respected lent us a book on personality types. [1]

Finally, we each learned that the other was not wrong, just created differently. Over the years, we have discovered that our differences are complementary and add strength to our relationship. And most importantly, we have learned to accommodate each other’s unique needs.

2. Prioritise Marriage and Family

In our fast-paced culture it can be difficult to find the time needed to keep relationships strong. Work, financials needs, extra activities such as church meetings or sport, and ministry can make excessive demands on our time.

For many years, whilst our children were young, my husband was National Director for a mission agency in New Zealand. His role required a lot of travel throughout New Zealand as well as to many countries in Asia.

It was during this busy time that we instituted what we called the ‘family bank account.’ Times my husband was away or busy in ministry were withdrawals, whereas quality times together as a family (and as husband and wife) were deposits. We just needed to ensure that the deposits exceeded the withdrawals!

This family ‘bank account’ was an intuitive thing, not a counting of times or days.

As a result, some of our fondest memories as a family are of the times we spent together during those years, especially our annual family ministry trip, visiting churches in New Zealand’s South Island.

3. Put Choices above Feelings

Someone once said, ‘happiness is having what you want, whereas contentment is wanting what you have.’

Our relationship has not all been sunshine and roses. It may look that way to outsiders, but we are certainly normal and have had our share of difficulties! All glory to God for the many expressions of His grace to us over the years.

There have been some dark times in our relationship when we have made the decision, ‘If this is as good as it gets, I still choose this.’

Choices are powerful. Choosing to forgive when you feel hurt, choosing respect when your partner doesn’t seem worthy of it. Choosing to move forward in your relationship with God when the other partner has stalled.

We have discovered that our marriage is only as strong as the choices each of us makes.

4. Discover Each Other’s Love Language

We had been married 15 years when my Mum sent us a copy of Gary Chapman’s book, ‘The Five Love Languages.’ [2]

We each have our own way of expressing and receiving love. According to Chapman, the 5 main love languages are: quality time, words of affirmation, gift-giving, touch, and acts of service.

We were immediately able to look back over the first 15 years of our marriage and see that differences in the way we expressed our love for each other accounted for our chief frustrations.

  • My love language is ‘acts of service’
  • My husband’s is ‘words of affirmation’

I would get irritated when he expressed his love with romantic words, but would not fix something in the house that needed repair. And he was unhappy when I would speak negatively or criticise him.

The second 15 years have been amazing. I feel loved because my ‘Hunk’ does many things to help and bless me. And he feels loved because I have learned to frequently express appreciation and encouragement. That’s what you would call a win-win!

5. Have a ‘Together Relationship’ with God.

In a Christian marriage, it is easy to be isolated in our individual relationships with God. This can be due differences in the way we relate to God, or different gifts, or even through hurt or misunderstanding.

We have been blessed during our relationship to have friends and mentors who have modelled a great Christian marriage. What we have seen in them has caused us to desire more from our relationship with God together.

Finding the time or motivation to pray together, or to share about what God is speaking to us personally can be a challenge.

How does this work for us?

  • If a need or problem crops up in conversation, we move spontaneously into prayer (God is the third, ever present person in our relationship)
  • We have a common desire to see our family and friends move closer to Jesus
  • We reminisce over things God has done for us in the past and anticipate what He will do in our present circumstances or in the future
  • We regularly share what God is speaking to us individually and how we are being challenged to grow.

6. More Keys that have Strengthened our Marriage

  • Encourage and release the other partner to his/her dreams and call of God (sometimes this costs you personally)[3]
  • Through small actions and big plans, keep the fun, passion and romance alive
  • Take care of your appearance in a way that is meaningful to your partner
  • Break out of the box, move out of comfort zones and have adventures together
  • Attend and have meaningful involvement in a local church together
  • Quality time (no matter what your love language is, there is no replacement for quality time together)
  • Look for friends and mentors with healthy marriages and learn from them [4]

Notes:

[1] This was one of Tim La Haye’s books. For example, see ‘Why You Act The Way You Do’ and ‘The Spirit Controlled Temperament.’

[2] ‘The Five Love Languages’ by Gary Chapman. We have found this also applies to our other family relationships (including children) and friendships. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

[3] Decisions about guidance and the call of God should be made together, in unity. See my post, ‘Personal Guidance for the Important Decisions of Life’

[4] David and Margaret McCracken are one couple that inspire us greatly. I highly recommend their DVD ‘The Marriage Journey’ available at our DMM e-Store.


More articles that tell our story:

Worship: So Much More Than Music (in which I share how The Hunk and I first met and became involved with missions)

How To Leave a Spiritual Legacy (in which I share the significant role my Mum-in-Law played in our marriage)


Do you have any marriage tips or suggestions you would like to share? Leave a comment in the comments box. If the comments section is not visible, click on this link and scroll down.


© Helen Calder Enliven Blog – Prophetic Teaching

On team with David McCracken Ministries: Prophetic Ministry That Empowers The Church

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12 thoughts on “Our Top 5 ‘Secrets’ For A Lasting Marriage Relationship

    1. Helen Calder Post author

      Thank you Sharon. Wow – I’ve just discovered your blog. Well done, it’s amazing! 🙂

  1. Simon Argue

    Happy anniversary guys. May God give you as many blessings today and every day as lives you have blessed, today and every day as long as you both shall live.
    Si, Nel and Charlotte

    1. Helen Calder Post author

      Thank you Si. You’re one of the few people who know us ‘pre’ that 30 years.
      Blessings to you and your precious family 🙂 may your ongoing journey together be as wonderful as ours has been!

  2. Shirley G.

    My hubby and were married 44 years when the Lord called him home. Sure we had our ups and downs, but we had so many interests and hobbys that we usually found time to do together. I wish I had known some of the things I know now back then. Our marriage could have been so much better. Blessings on you and Hunk.

    1. Helen Calder Post author

      Thank you Shirley, what a wonderful achievement to reach 44 years! Having common interests and hobbies is also a great tip for strengthening your marriage. Blessings to you 🙂

  3. Michael Tarr

    Helen, great words and post. Nice to hear of the growth between you and Malcolm. Remember you guys 15 plus yrs ago in Tauranga so it’s nice to have the re-connect. Bless you both in your future (which is looking brighter!) Wahoo!

    1. Helen Calder Post author

      Michael, wow Tauranga seems a while back now, a very special time in our lives as a family. Trust all going well with you and you are refreshed in God!

  4. irene Kyriacou

    Dear Helen, HAPPY 30th Wedding Anniversary to You and the Hunk,

    Your Wedding Photo is so Beautiful, Glowing and Radiating with the GLORY of GOD. GOD Bless You Both ABUNDANTLY Today and Forevermore, with Showers and Showers and Showers of BLESSINGS to You and to ALL Your Precious Family.

    Have a Wonderful Day in JESUS,

    Love and Blessings from Irene and family.

  5. Jennifer Thomas

    Have adventures together! What a fun suggestions. I love how excited my husband gets when he goes someplace new for the first time or sees something he hasn’t seen before. It helps keep life and marriage exciting!

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